I don’t know what it was. All I know is that as he lay next to me, propped up on one elbow, watching me with his pretty eyes (they looked blue but they were brown) and his smile, for what felt like infinity, now and then sharp small kisses followed by a bite on my neck, now and then stroking some other part of my body while I struggled to breath evenly, whispering “show me what a good little whore you are and come for me,” I thought of nothing else but that this was a boy who could break my heart, a boy I could fall in love with.
It terrified me. Perhaps that was why I couldn’t do it, couldn’t come for him even though that was what he wanted from the start. I wanted to—so much. I couldn’t stand to disappoint him. I couldn’t stand not to do anything and everything he wanted. Maybe this is what that’s really about, the dominance submission thing. And if it is I don’t know if I can like it. I’m afraid to.
I’m not afraid to open my mouth for his cum (and that look in his eyes as he swiped it from my cheeks and I sucked it off from his fingers), not afraid to suck his cock (do you want to do this or do you want me to make you do this?), not afraid even when he gripped my neck and choked me hard, holding it there and holding my breath, pressing down on my chest so that it hurt, breathing (if you pass out, you’ll wake up to me fucking you). No, none of that, and not the pain when he slapped me, not the way his lips devoured my clit, the way his fingers made my cunt throb for more.
But I am so so afraid of things he said: I went on a lot of dates with a lot of cute girls back in Melbourne, but didn’t feel enough of a connection with any of them to want to date them. I’ve broken a lot of hearts. Afraid of the fact that the evening I spent with him before all this, he made me laugh. Afraid of the bands from his wonderful mix that I adore, how he asked “want to make out?” Afraid of his witty comments, afraid of his patience when he watched me for so long. Afraid of how much I longed for his touch early morning, when I couldn’t sleep and could only try to shut out the silent protests in my mind, and feel his body next to but so far from mine.
